Without

Happy Birthday, Dad.

Two-grief kind of day, maybe?

Sometimes it feels like someone pulled the bones from my body. Like a walking (somehow?) jellyfish. Sometimes I don’t know how to stand up, don’t know how to breathe. I forget what beautiful looks like. Isn’t that horrible? Sun or rain, I don’t care to be outside. I don’t care to be a part of anything.

I guess it is that finite. Death. And that world doesn’t interest me, permanence, black and white. It’s forever that we all want, right? For everything to exist in a higher plane, for a better reason. And I think… for that year and a half it did. Finally. I had the feeling of “more.” And I’m not ready to go back to what this is. This is no substitute or alternative. Not after the knowing.

It sounds dead-ended. It sounds desperate and depressed. I’m ok. I’m living, doing that thing everyone else is doing. Yes, sometimes feeling like a zombie, sometimes a human shed of its skeleton.

If I could only be empowered by this, take the lessons and the love and build on that to go forward, but those moments are fleeting. Minutes. Until the memories take over. And I can be in mid-sentence or mid-laugh and my guts fill up my brain and then… fuzz cloud.

How can I live now? How do I live now? How do I hold up everything, keep it together? I just haven’t got a clue. And this writing, only here…

This is me trying to figure everything out.

xo
mt

 

2 comments

  1. So, I decided to start reading your blog and dig a little more into this 1flychicken. I decided to start with your most recent, and move to the past. Although part of me wanted to start from your very first post and move forward…..but #1 im lazy and that sounded like it would take a lot of time and #2 I know you as the person you are today…..so i wanted to start here and then go back to better understand “where you come from.”
    I already have lots to say, but ill just start with this: you are a
    very talented, honest writer (duh, you have things published and
    shit). I relate on “all the things” but mostly the soul connection you experienced. There is something refreshing about the way you express that feeling in a raw explicit way. I wont give you the canned responses, because althouhh they may be comforting at times. But I will thank you for sharing your story. And send wishes your way that your journey gets easier along the way

  2. 1flychicken says:

    Damn. I replied to this once, but it disappeared!

    Anyhow… An honor for you to be reading my words and saying kind things. Thank you! While I find it strange to be blogging so… Openly? I'm not sure there is any other media that feels both loud and safe and empty all at once.

    I'm glad though that you can relate. Hopefully I can continue to keep your attention. <3!

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