Tagged healthy

You have to love you

 

Moon Blur

So many are hurting right now. What’s up, planets?

This I’m realizing more and more: being aware comes with a bit of sadness. Ok, more than a bit. Sometimes noticing the bs and narrowing down motives and intentions and behaviors can feel like a whole ocean of sadness that you have to (somehow) stay on top of, ride the waves. Besides sadness, analyzing yourself and the people around you can really take the magic out of shit. I keep picturing the Wizard behind the curtain in his shiny glistening green castle.

This year I’ve come across more personality-disordered individuals than I even realized existed. I mean, this isn’t to sound better-than or unempathetic (because typically those folks are the way they are for one reason or another.) But that’s just it—too much empathy and you’re letting in unhealthy, self-serving “victims” who are great at taking you on their drama-coasters. Worse still is that some of us are prey, easy because we are sad, insecure, unfulfilled, self-deprecating, etc. Not being well—in whatever way you want to put it—makes us targets. And at this age, after 20 or more years of unhealthy thoughts and behaviors? It feels damning and unchangeable. It’s hard to break habits and even to tell them apart from personality traits and whatever hole it is you got yourself stuck in.

Up to this point, if you identify with such a sitch, you might also be the caretaker, the dominant, the “control freak,” the anxious worrier—responsible, ever-guilty, shameful and a member of the royal court of Never-Enoughs. Maybe you grew up having to emotionally care for parental figures, siblings, etc. (this along with your young self.) So then what? You end up stubbornly independent and responsible, likely hyper-critical of yourself and possibly others. But under there, in a place you don’t want to admit exists, is a deeply buried need to be “taken care of”—the way no one ever really did for you. It’s ok. That doesn’t make you weak or wrong. Of course, you’ll never want to admit to it (see: stubbornly independent) and so you’ll repress it and it’ll come out in unhealthy ways attracting all sorts of characters (narcissists, borderline folks, basically those that can see what you need but also your vulnerabilities). Ugh.

These peeps (in particular I’m seeing, borderline folks) will see your dark because they, too, are a bit broken. Whether they are malicious or unaware, this crew will suck you dry. They are vultures. They might not make sense to you. They blame you. They surprise you. They have a different reality in which THEY ARE ALWAYS THE VICTIM. That’s a huge red flag in my experience. But you know, these people will make you feel good, so the drama is worth it. And maybe they are right; maybe it IS your fault (that’s when your insecurity feeds into the game).

I’ve been noticing this trend, though, and watching good people, people I care about, become involved/consumed by these individuals and it’s a world of hurt they don’t deserve.

I’ve kept myself mostly at a distance here for the sake of sharing somewhat objective knowledge with you all. (And hey, I think I needed to get this out of me.) But this distance doesn’t mean I have been without my own experiences. I still fumble with toxic thoughts and relationships and behaviors; I still let insecurity in. The difference is now I see it—both inside myself and around me (what it can do.)

Not to be one of those “brightsiders,” but this lesson is invaluable and a necessary catalyst to venture off of your unhealthy, insecure, sabotage-y  path (and yes, you can still be humble). YOU make you better now. This sounds boring, huh? Like too grownup and not so “fun.” If so, you might not have experienced bottom yet. You have to want out, you know?

Really, at the end of the day, the problem isn’t them. It’s you. They more than likely gave you all the little clues you needed to uncover their intentions, but you weren’t paying attention. You didn’t want to. The bad felt good and you lived there; it’s a twist cone you’ve indulged in all of your life. But now it’s time to work on you, not them. Good people will come. I swear. Fill up your cracks so no one gets in there and shakes up your foundation. If you are solid, those people won’t even bother. If you are solid, you will attract other solids (or at least, those will be the only ones to stick).

Today I felt it, the longing for the caretaker, the neediness I’ve learned to acknowledge and move through. Once in a while it comes—in the form of an invitation to some pity party I don’t want to attend. Why me. I don’t have. I never got. Why can I. Boom. I refuse to indulge for too long, even that comfortable hurt.

I’m writing this because everyone deserves to be ok, to be loved, to let healthy in. Not because I’m judging or pointing fingers. Shit, I still have to remind myself of this. I just came out the other side (mostly) not too long ago and hope to stay here, better. But days are still struggles and the ocean still has the ability to throw me off track.

All I’m saying is protect your heart. Even if it means you must love it to do so. Love yourself? It might sound yucky and cheesy but I won’t tell. (:

<3

mt

 

Healthy Carrot Cake Bread

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Since some of you were asking for it, I thought I’d share this one. I have a pretty standard bread recipe that I adapt for different flavors: zucchini, gingerbread, pumpkin, etc. So hard to go without sweets when I eat healthy, so I try to make some that I can somewhat pig out on. Shhhh. And I sort of do this recipe/food writing thing for a living, so I thought it’d be easy to type this up for you.

Healthy Carrot Cake Bread
Makes 2 loaves.

  • 1 (10-ounce) bag matchstick cut carrots
  • 1 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 cup light brown sugar
  • 1 cup Egg Beaters (or 4 eggs)
  • 8 ounces crushed pineapple
  • 1 cup unsweetened applesauce
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons imitation vanilla
  • 1/2 cup water
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon allspice
  • 3 1/2 cups white whole-wheat flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking soda
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Prep: Preheat oven to 350˚F. Grease 2 (9” x 5”) loaf pans with nonstick spray. Pulse carrots in food processor until finely chopped.

Bowl #1: Combine sugars, pineapple, applesauce, egg, vanilla and water. Beat until smooth. Stir in chopped carrots, cinnamon and allspice.

Bowl #2: Combine flour, baking soda, salt and baking powder. Stir well to incorporate.

Slowly add dry ingredients in Bowl #2 to wet ingredients in Bowl #1. Blend until well combined. Mix in chopped walnuts.

Bake: Divide batter between loaf pans. Bake for 45 minutes to 1 hour. Check with a toothpick.

Allow to cool. Flip out onto a cutting board to remove from pan.

I have to warn you, this recipe isn’t super sweet. Feel free to add more sugar if you’d like. I wouldn’t go over 2 cups total, though. The pineapple and carrots are sweet enough. I topped it with light whipped cream cheese.

Hope you like it!

mt

Short. Sweet. But alive.

So after some nutty health issues and loss, I’m alive. Just sayin’. Through the events of the last few days, I’ve still been keeping up with this poem-a-day extravaganza.

Today’s poetry prompt was to write a “tentative poem.” I got hit with this image, you know. Sometimes I do that. I get a clear picture. It doesn’t often make sense, but it’s something. Like shadow puppets in my brain.

“Somewhere someone dreams of ellipses…”

I couldn’t get it out of my head. I guess it’s about fighting the routine, the mundane… keeping one eye out for a detour. Something jarring. Because if you catch a sip, even, of those sparks in between the layers of “filler”—days and days of work and obligation—it just might be enough to make it worthwhile.

I spent my whole life waiting impatiently for the next page, something to look forward to. I needed it to stay sane, to motivate me to fight. I needed that reason, remember?

Sometimes people fight the daily. Sometimes vanilla isn’t enough. It’s ok to need a detour. But. Patience.

That’s what I need. That’s what it’s about.

Sleep now.
mt

New product, camping trip and obscene dream

Let me start this entry by talking about dreams. I know. I know. It can be one of the most moronic things to blog about… the unicorn ate my corn on the cob and shit out a dog. Yea. Sometimes there’s just no following a dream like that—no matter how amusing it may be to the dreamer.

I’m an avid dreamer. A lucid dreamer. I’ve flown. I’ve been licked by a pack of stray puppies. It’s all happened. But last night, like so many other nights, I dreamt I got fired. Not only did I get fired, but the reasoning? I had been taking meth mixed with aspirin? What!? I don’t even know what that means… the most interesting thing about a dream (that we can all share, I think) is that feeling the whole next day. You know how a dream just really shakes you? I was so disheartened by being fired that it had me reeeally upset. It was more of the trying-to-prove-I-wasn’t-a-drug-addict. Blah.

Anyhow, it was quite a nice weekend camping with my friend Larissa and her family. Good times. I ate enough to feed a small country and so I’m back on the wagon starting tomorrow. I bought about $75 worth of healthy groceries. Even a $10 bag of almonds. God. That’s an investment. I’m just really losing focus. I’m ready now.

I did want to talk about these flavorings I found online: Capella Flavors. Apparently it’s flavoring for many things (including coffee) without calories or sugar. Just flavor. So you drop a few drops into your iced coffee, your recipes, your tea, whatevs. I’m liking this idea. Dunkin Donuts has a similar method with their flavors—you add your own sugar, or for me, Splenda (let’s call it Splendor. It cracks me up.)

So tonight, I ordered 5 bottles of the stuff. It was buy 3 and get 2 free. Pretty good deal. Especially with the $3 shipping. I ordered tonight around 7PM and it has already shipped! (It’s 11PM). I’m ready to let you guys know how this stuff works out. I’m namely buying it for my iced coffee. But they have fruity flavors that can be used for water and so on. Check out the site, at least. There’s a lot of info on there. I purchased: Coconut, Cinnamon Danish Swirl, Vanilla Cupcake, Chocolate Raspberry and Toasted Almond. If these are good, not only will it save me a ton of money on flavored creamers, but I won’t have to put that thick creamer in my iced coffees!

Happy Memorial Day! Hope you, too, got drunk off of boxed wine… er…. something similarly delicious!
<3