Tagged the end

END OF THE WORLD | Nearing the apocalypse with chicken wine…

[Thanks to NASA/media.techeblog.com]

I’ve been railing on about the end of the world all year, perhaps, but just lately it’s been feeling inevitable. Ha! Not really, but it’s December 18th, and with a mere four days until Earth’s supposed finale, I’ve been questioning everyone.

“So what IF it were really, positively, the end of the world on the 21st—what would you do, starting now?”

The responses have been both sad and funny, all of which have made me think a lot. Of course, peeps are asking in response, almost sarcastically: “What about you?” To which, I have yet to respond. In lieu of my blogging endeavors, I thought I’d make a post about it. And then ask you lovely people.

If I’m scaring you, or you’ve been fearing this on your own accord, let NASA assuage your worries.

The first thing I’d do if I got the news rightthissecond? Leave work and never come back. I’d snatch up the few necessary items of importance that I have hangin’ about in my office: a photo of Jake, my cardboard robot chicken,  my favorite Papermate Flair Razor Point pen, the Instagram-ed/printed/laminated photo of my friend D and I in Cape Cod [that always makes me smile], and my favorite rock [long story.]

From here, I’d get gas and a coffee drink at Sheetz—and probably a meatball MTO [an indulgence that I never indulge in!]  (: Then, I’d hit up the liquor store and buy seven bottles of chicken wine, Rex Goliath Cabernet Sauvignon, and scavenge the Youngwood area for cocaine or crack or speed or meth. C’mon. Who wants to sleep right before the end of the world? Not this girl. Lots to do.

First thing is first: I’ve got some people to smooch. I think there is a running list of like 10 (really, there are more, but don’t judge me!); honestly though, I’d settle for hitting up the top 5. With only a few days at my disposal, I’d try to accomplish this in one day. I’d waste one bottle of wine on this, driving double-fisted: water and wine. How would I approach the smooching situation? I’d probably just do it. If I felt the need for words, it might be something like: “C’mon, all I’ve ever wanted to do is kiss you. Let me.”

Romantic, huh? What can I say?

It sort of reminds me of that moment in Grease 2: “Let’s do it for our country.” Haha… yep.

HAHA priceless face on this chick… [thank stagevu.com]

Once all smooching happened (or didn’t), depending on my locale, I’d probably head home and say my farewells to Matt and the cat, pack up some clothing items, my computer, my writings and showering things. I’ll be on the road for the rest of the “end.” While still in the Greensburg area, I’d try to find my other friends, you know? But I mean, this all wagers on what everyone ELSE is doing, obvi. Kelly, Amy, Adam, all thems. [:

Next stop: I’d visit my mother. On my way to her house, though, I’d buy a delicious chocolate-y cheesecake and some serious fast food. Also, I’d swing by downtown New Ken and score some tree. There is reason for this. My mom used to be a hippie, so I think I’d want to smoke with her. More for her than my reasons. She might need some to calm her down, as it will be a pretty stressful time for everyone, I bet. We’d smoke, eat and pop open my second bottle of chicken wine. I’d spend a day with her and the cat, and then leave her with the remainder of tree and a bottle of chicken wine.

Three bottles down, four more to go.

Rex Goliath—the 47 lb. rooster! LOVE!

Ok, off I go. I think, next, I’d visit my aunt, my step mom, Wendy, Shawna, Bobi… the historical peeps in my life. I’d have to. Whether I see them often or not, they are some of the most important people to me. Does that make sense? I’d at least give them a squeeze, a smooch on the forehead and just tell them I love them and thank you. I think Wendy and I could drink a bottle of my chicken wine together and have a blast: reminiscence and be goofy. We’d laugh a lot, I bet. Sometimes I’m sure that she and I have a similar humor. Perhaps it rubbed off in adolescence?

Next, I’d head across the river to see my sister, brother and nephew. I’d ask him to color with me. I’d hope we could color for a good while and just hang together. All of us. I’d ask him a lot of questions, like: “What do you want to be when you grow up? And: “What do you think you’ll look like when you’re 20?” This is kind of sad, and I’d probably cry. He may or may not understand that. Only kiddos like him are a reason to be sad for the apocalypse. I might ask him the meaning to life, too. I’m thinking, if there is a solid answer to this, only a kid would know. Not a grown up. We’re jaded and analytical and overwhelmed by the mundanity of day-to-day existence. I think kids are smarter than we are for this reason. Honest and typically untainted.

THEN! With three more bottles to go [counting down and mapping by wine, apparently] I’d route my way to McMurray/Canonsburg to visit with the surrogate family. I’d squeeze L [a.k.a. “the Peanut”] so hard she’d poop her pants. Ha. But we’d color, for sure. Maybe cut up some paint swatches and get crafty. I’d get her a Starbucks Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate and some gummies. If I’ve learned nothing else, it’s that gummies, crafts and kiddos are the cure for just about any kind of sadness you can experience. True life. [“Real talk,” as Ernie would say.]

While there, I’d hug M, wrestle with Big D, then enjoy my third-to-last bottle of chicken wine with… Miss D. We could chain smoke cigs, laugh about goofy things and hopefully get to peep the stars/sky/moon for a bit. And the Koi! Even after our hang sesh, she could go be with her family and I’d probably tent-up on the front patio and hang with the fishes for an eve, getting to see the big clear sky. That place is like a vacation sometimes. No worries. All beauty. Nothing is mine to do or fix or clean or stress over. You know? Except when I break shit… ugh.

I assume at this point, with only two bottles of chicken wine left, that there isn’t much time either. I would try to find Ernie. I’d like to spend my last moments with her, if I could. I think she gets it, and I know, she is fearless. But she’ll probably have her own agenda. If she is too caught up, I’d probably just go to the ocean. Alone. If not with Ernie, I’d want to be alone. And wait for the end kissing to the beautiful sky and ocean with my last two bottles, coked-out, reading a book or something—also writing and doodling. Yep.

I must add, I’d be praying that this apocalypse would have NOTHING TO DO WITH zombies. Ugh, especially the fast ones like on 28 Days Later. I mean, it’s called the “Rage Virus.” Enough!

UH… HELL NAW. [Thanks to 28dayslater.wikia.com]



So there it is. Personal and semi-compact: my end of days. But here are some of the more comical and/or important responses I’ve heard thus far:

“I’d let out all the dogs in the shelter down my street.”

“I’d make some calls, apologize to a few people for some shitty things I did.”

“I’d unlock all of my guns.”

“I’d lie in bed with my husband, the dog between us. That’s it!”

“I’d curl up in a ball and cry.”

“Drugs. A lot.”

HA! Some of these are stellar. But…
Now, it’s your turn! How about you? Tell me things!
mt

In with the… ew

I’ve been trying to figure out a good way to introduce the year. I feel a plague of pressure from this post, the first post of 2012. Everywhere I go, I’m surrounded by those raw, new year’s hopes: Special K displayed on every endcap; hard-to-pass-up sales on silky, sweat-proof gym clothes; and a newborn “healthy options” section on the menu of every local restaurant. Honestly, it’s as if weight loss is at the heart of every new year’s mission, and while that is how I began my “healthy” lifestyle, it’s overwhelming. I keep catching myself sideways-glancing in mirrors and shiny windows, wondering if I need to lose more weight or what I should be wearing to hide my love handles.
Where once December 31st meant getting sloshed and recovering with free Sheetz coffee the next day, the further from 21 I get, the more I feel like I’m slipping into this thing called “adulthood.” I don’t like it. These days, the new year is kind of depressing—the saying goodbye to what (already) feels like an old friend, or enemy (depending on your relationship with the past). Am I already becoming this crotchety? Listen to me! For instance, yesterday as I drove through suburbia, I spotted a few kids playing in the yard, and turned to Tash:
“Wow. That’s something you don’t see… ever. Kids playing in the yard. Do you? When I was younger, they kicked our asses outside for the day. We got to eat and piss.”
Then I stopped.
Twenty-six can’t be old yet, can it? I mean, I bought anti-wrinkle cream last night—thinking preventatively, of course. I spent literally 45 minutes in the aisle at Target. I kept walking away with something, coming back to pick up something different, going away… back again. At one point, I left the aisle with nothing. I’m sure if the employees were eagle-eyeing the cameras at that moment, they’d have thought I was insane or trying to steal shit. (I have this strange guilt/paranoid fear of clerks suspecting me of theft. What is that?)
And to really push this new year into overdrive, I’ve got Facebook friends posting the “countdown to the apocalypse” daily. Not with an “end of the word” intro… just the number, ominous, and luckily at this point, three digits.
I’m not saying I’m not ready for a fresh start. I’m just saying this year feels funky already.
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